Tuesday, November 24, 2009

sideways pussy, my take on orientalism

the following is a piece i wrote then read at luna's this past week. it was an amazing night; take back midtown presented "stop being a fucking creep" plus tara jepsen, beth lisick, and my heroine michelle tea were all present...i was nervous as all hell having never read before let alone in front of one of my adolescent role models...but it went well, every one was laughing and michelle tea approached me afterwards, complimenting my work to my great embarassment and pride. here is the piece, although better live.

(in a breathy voice, with Asiatic flute playing in background)

picture it

an ancient land, dripping with tradition and lore

imagine the fog rising through the lush green mountains, bamboo forests abound

the moisssssst earth.

the silk of emperors and dynasties past.

the far east


myyyyy landdddd (pull rice out of pocket, scatter on the floor)

picture me, an "oriental," eating stir fried puppy with ginger and black bean sauce, breeding like a rabbit.

plastic buddahs hanging from every door way.

pikachu and dragon ball Z characters dancing through my dreams like the ping pong champion i was born to be

happy ending?

sucky sucky?

or shall i mop your floor first?


AM I just another geisha in the streets of ancient kyoto flocking to tom cruise, america's last samurai, tearing off my kimono in glorious rapture because


am i?

aparently the answer is yes, at least according to a shameful amount of male individuals who frequent my current place of employment.----not all guys are like these, btw.

(hand drums played in hyponotic beat)


enter the kasbah lounge, a dark lair of decadence and delight.

sippp on lebanese wine under the canopies, let the turkish coffee seeeeep into your pores.

welcome to this world of

enter you the priviledged male
enter if you dare
come one
come all

yesssss stepp right up! gather around! we have gorgeous girls here, one or more of each flavor for you gentlemen.

TAKE. YOUR. PICK of the litter, the cream of the crop, perhaps this tall dark haired siren from palestine, or heck, maybe you'd like one of 'the koreans', they are so, so shy...


then...there is me, the weird girl with the weird hair.


and what kind of establishment do we run?

it's a god damned eatery
a fucking restaraunt
a hell of a place to nosh


ohhh the joys of


familiar words, but not to all

it's quite amazing really, that sacramento is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the entire natopn, considering not one night passes by without a man making an asian related inquiry or snarky remark to me at work...

here are some ACTUAL customer comments as follows:

"you speak good english." (thanks man)

"do you know karate?" (no, but i can spit in your food)

"i dated a mongolian girl once." (blank stare)

"shouldn't you be working at the sushi bar next door?" (incredious stare)

"my friend and i are having a bet. are you chinese or korean?" (neither!)

"HEYYYY it's taiwan's finest!" (whatttt??)

"you remind me of my wife from the war." (oh. my. god.)

"you look like margaret cho." (oh helll no)

"what's your name?" (debbie)
"nooo, what is your REAL name?" (holy shit. my name is debbie, dumbass)

"do you model for honda car import shows?" (i just need to walk away)

"what are you doing waitressing? shouldnt you be a dentist or something?" (NO. COMMENT.)

the list goes on

the comment which takes the cake however had me dumbfounded.

"can i ask you a question? do your pussy lips go the other way, because i've heard that chinese girls have horizontal pussies."




as women we should NEVER have to take this.

so, YOU OF FRANCE are not hairy and easily offended.

YOU OF AFRICA are not herding antelope on the national geographic channel.

YOU OF RUSSIA are not anorexic money grubbing ballerinas

YOU OF MEXICO are not just good for staying in abusive relationships

YOU OF INDIA do not taste like curry

YOU OF EASTERN EUROPE are not all just prostitutes

YOU OF THE MIDDLE EAST are not just one of four belly dancing wives

YOU OF AFRICAN AMERICAN DECENT are not just 'angry black chicks'

YOU OF CENTRAL AMERICA are not peices of meat, breeding for the catholic church.


you are WOMEN and you are LOVED more than THEY will ever know.

thank you.