Friday, August 28, 2009

hey me, please let me be

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. my schedule is even worse than before---with the late hours at my job these past four years i've become accustomed to turning out the light at 2 or 3 am and awakening around 11 or noon...but these past few weeks the pattern has become more around the realms of 5 am to fall asleep, and 1 or 2 pm to awaken. (i need a good 8 hours minimum to function.)
it is my brain that is the problem, it never lets me rest; it buzzes and hums and never shuts off. i've been trying to curb this shit the past few years...and because of it sometimes i seem more quiet or seemingly brooding than anything else--only at times. ha! but good lord, there are the instances i blurt out random phrases when im in 'the zone', i try but i have a hard time shutting my damn face...sometimes i am on a roll and saying something stupid ('stupid,' as in 'huh?' not to be confused with 'mean.') and the entire time i am saying it..i am thinking "shut up, will you just shut up you are being stupid.'
*in writing this blog entry at this moment, i am treating myself, allowing my fingers to type type type and let out all the random gibberish that is flowing through my mind currently while i sit here on the porch at 2:46 am; i guess this proves my point.*
my body is connected to my brain; there is constant high energy, i get out right twitchy even, sometimes. the lights and beeps and electro bleeps bounce around to and fro, knocking into each other, splashing green and pink paint can see it in my face or speech or hands sometimes. some of you have seen this.
i have considered this a gift here and there, but lately it has been a plague. my brain toys with me and fucks with me and i stress myself into a frenzy, thinking 'if i keep thinking, i will develop an anxiety attack, and if i keep thinking about how im thinking, it will REALLY get bad...oh fuck' and there i am, in no man's land, in that distant land where many of us have been, but THIS place only I can get to, and i can't get out until something deeper inside of me allows the rest of me to let go.
there is never very good warning.
ahh. so, i have been having trouble sleeping lately. there has been an extra darkness, to be expected, i've been thinking even more than usual, thinking about people that i know, how they affect me, my future, my teeth are fucked...i've been stressed about mouth hurts all the time but more at night. sometimes when i awaken in the morning there is blood on my pillow. LOOK i know i need to get insurance and all that taken care of, stop shaking your index fingers at me. i am deathly afraid of the dentist; i've never had much of a sweet tooth, but as a child i had cavities all the time-the dentist said once that i have unnaturally soft enamel...but each cavity that happened i would be severely punished by my brother had a sparkling white grill the entire time, so surely i must be a ragamuffin child too lazy to brush the sweaters off her molars.....shit was there any way my brother could ever go wrong and i go right??...ahh that is for another day.
let it go.
night is weird. sometimes i feel that the more delirious i become the more i feel alive. i am sure many of us feel this way. i sit out here and listen to the trains go by, the wind in the leaves, the drunk folks stumbling...then as the time ticks by, the sounds become less and less and eventually it is just me and my holy mackerel of-a-brain pounding away, pounding away. i am left to myself. currently i am not alone though. i hear music coming from somewhere, big rigs blowing horns from the freeway, i head one lone cricket, a car just went by, i see a raccoon.
my dreams were vivid last night. i was not permitted to rest, even in my REM state. i awoke feeling dog tired....but the dreams were very intriguing, super crystal clear.
i wonder what the significance is. i always become confused, because in japanese culture, whatever happens in dreams, in real life the opposite is indicated. but in american culture, we kind of tend to think what we dream is a subconscious of what we actually feel.
last night in my minds eye i was standing in a natural foods store with sarah, (my friend who is in 'take back midtown' with me and used to live across the street from me at the brothel/carnival house). i wonder what it means that she was in my dream. we are not super close par say (i would like to be) and i have not seen her nor spoken to her in days.
we were standing in line at the checkout. it was very busy. the line was very long. i was holding a woven basket and in the basket were two bananas. they looked like plantain but i knew they were bananas. as the minutes ticked by, the fruit started to rot. so, it made sense for me to eat both, and i grabbed two more. once again, the bananas started to rot, and this time the meat even burst out from the peels.
nearing the checkout, sarah grabbed a small plastic tub of trail mix/mixed nuts and asked me to purchase it for her. i agreed, and upon ringing out, the cashier stopped in his tracks and readily told me that the nuts represented unrequited love.
look, the phrase 'unrequited love' stuck with me even this morning when i awoke, and although i know what it means, i looked up the definition just to see it in print: "to be deeply in love with someone that either does not know you love them, or that knows, but does not love you in return." ok.
after leaving the natural foods store, sarah was gone and i was teleported to someplace where i was emailing jenny hoyston from the band erase errata. i had a drag show approaching and for some reason it was homo a gogo weekend. it was like my real-life past came forward from behind and bit me in the butt of my dream-life future. i was requesting jenny to play a set during my drag show. i for some reason offered her specifically $234 dollars to play. she generously responded with an email saying that she never plays for less than $400 but for me she would play for free. (i dont know jenny hoyston in real life, fyi. she is a famous, feminist, awesome musician for those that dont know)
so, i was teleported forward a few days, and i was with lauren, jenny, and her three band mates. (two female, one male...the ladies were adorable, in their 30's, wearing awesome vintage dresses. i remember the brunette had wavy hair and a navy colored polka dot dress...the other lady was a red head and she was all glammed up like a lady from the 1940's. very world war II-meets cocktail party..the man was very 50's styled with a pomp and cuffed jeans around his proper waist. he was not cheesy; he was very polished)
we were walking on cobblestone streets. the shy was grey. it was fall. i think we were in europe but it was actually san fransisco, if this makes any sense.
as jenny and her band mates walked on ahead, lauren asked me in excited hushed tones "what is SHE doing here with us????!!!" i explained that jenny was going to play a set with me and lauren was uuber impressed.
fast forward to the venue. it was actually a gigantic warehouse with day light filtering in through high windows all around the upper walls. the warehouse contained books upon books; it was a library. all of the shelving was crooked. it was gorgeous and bizarre. i told jenny that i wished i could turn the entire place into a living space. in real life now, i realize that would have been an atrocity; that library was gorgeous and VAST and probably does not exhist in this real world.
it was decided that we would perform on top of a large wooden table.
jenny was about to go on but i could not find lauren.
they went on anyhow, and it was truly a sight to behold. they were doing a conga and weird hand jive moves, all to the vocal style of the andrews sisters, very 40's/50's, very 'boogie woogie bugle boy'....which should be mentioned, is NOT erase errata's musical style in real life.
next it was my turn to perform my drag number 'jet boy jet girl.' i realized in a sudden panic that erin wasn't there to perform her parts with me.
thus, i decided to wing it and perform only my parts. this ended up looking completely stupid because in real life that song is truly meant for me and erin to share. we interact half the time, there is no way i could perform it without her and her without me. i ended up looking like a bad mime.
...suddenly after it was all over lauren came pounding on the door. it was a medievel castle door. i asked her where she had run off to and she said she was hungry. thanks.
*and then i woke up*
it was almost 1 in the afternoon when i awoke today, and it was not my alarm that shook me, it was my screen door blowing open then closed. i have been super sore all day, my entire body is stiff and i dont know why. was i dancing in my sleep? am i that stressed out?
i wonder the significance of my dreams....some of it seems obvious but nothing ever is.
nothing EVER is.
alright, in conclusion, i am hoping to get to bed before 5 today.
i am going to close this laptop now and ramble to myself in my head. i've had a fear that by age 40 i will go insane because my poor brain will NEVER log off. i really need some space from me sometimes but it looks like that is never going to happen....i would write more frankly but this is a public blog and somethings just start to get embarassing for the reader and the writer. but lets get coffee!
i'd rather run with the wolves anyhow...for the most part. or have friends in the real life flesh.
good night cyber world, good night.

Friday, August 21, 2009

how does one learn to let go?

i know it's already happening and it breaks my heart.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

on weed plants, drag kings, and changes that remain the same...damn.

for 4 consecutive years now, i have been performing at the annual drag king contest in san fransisco. this year was no exception...the show is huge, one of the biggest on the west coast. joan jett has hosted the event in the past if this gives you any reference point; the nights are always chock full of events and memories. i remember two years ago stumbling in the streets with aiden and rachel....this year was a bit like then in the way that i am newly single again, and i came to the bay with the intent of snatching a peice of myself back from outer space, to feel perfect and keen, if even for 3 flashing minutes....ahhh. well what the hell. we all know how it can be.

...anyhow, in the photo above you see my friend and roomie erin sniffing a weed plant. we stayed at dennis peron's house near the castro. he is the medical marijuanna guru, does a ton of political activism in the name of legalizing weed---i dont smoke myself, but it was a 'trip' to stay here.
here i am posing under the mini golden gate bridge. obviously im trying to look like im smoking a joint. ha.

our bed was soooo nice. kind of romantic as well....but me and erin are as platonic as pie. she is like a brother to me. what a waste.

as you can see, the place was very psychodelic. there was a hot tub, but we did not use it. and there were a ton of weed smoking dudes hanging out...

here im getting ready for the show. erin and i were ill prepared for our performance, very typical of us.

finished product, mr wu her, ready to rock your knickers off.

when the day turned to night, a shit ton of black lights turned on, and glowing ensued.

oops. here i am again. just wanted to make sure you remember what i look like. (i cant figure out how to photo upload correctly...ahh...)

erin looked great! her drag name is simon bigsby. she is my young twink servant.

another nod to japan.

at the show, in this photo, fella fem, last years troupe winners. they are from the east bay.

'wham bam thank you mamn', got runner-up i believe.

dexter james. i thought he did a much better job last year. still a hottie though.

delicio del toro won first place. see that huge bulge? that was a BURRITO stuffed in there. he toook it out and threw it over the audience...rice and beans. wow.

there's the huge crowd of queers! the DNA lounge is a two story there were quite a bit of people here. this was the same weekend as homo a gogo, so it was nice to see the place was not empty.

erin and i did the punk song 'jet boy jet girl' ....we pulled it off and won 'most erection inducing.' no kidding. many people seemed to really enjoy the number. i had a sock rolled up in the crotch of my pants that came undone on stage. horrific. that's how hard we danced. ciao!

Monday, August 10, 2009

getaway, get found

yesterday a few of us headed to the bay area for erin's show at the stud. along the way we stopped near Berkeley, where behind the horse tracks there is a peninsula....and along the craggy ocean rocks there are pieces of found art. all the photos i have here are shitty but there really was some amazing stuff...will have to return here again. enjoy.

this here above was cool i swear, but it just looks like a used condom in this photo. a shame.


fennel, right?? also there was tons of fresh wild dill growing along the path. we came at sunset, when everything was mysterious and nostalgic...but rachel mentioned if one comes during the day when the sun is out, the warmth will cause all the greenery to emit their lovely rich smells...ooozing salty air with licorice and spices...delectable.

erin probably would have been happy to hole up here for the evening. she was a tired goose all night.

so desolate...

ive been feeling pretty desolate as of late

beau thinks he has bad posture. looking good here, man.


this above here looks like a pile of garbage sprayed red which it probably is, but it was also neat in real life.

windblown! i love the ocean...until next time, cheers!

\ /

Monday, August 3, 2009

one for the history books

my birthday party was a huge success. we danced until dawn; i literally did not fall asleep until 7am...the cops never came which is highly unusual, no, fucking RIDICULOUS for our house where they know us by name and once sent a helicopter over our rooftop to tell beaumont to stop shooting his bb the way, i cant fucking figure out for the life of me how to rearrange these photos in the proper order of events. but, here are some images to enjoy.

in the picture above we have larry rodriguez to the right and haley in the striped shirt. these two people are an institution in sacramento, i swear, and they dj'd my party. larry is a genius and he spins the shit i am always dying to hear out but never do. nowadays it's all about about electro-shock-crap. he spins the good stuff that is already decades old. music that will never die if you will. haley also. she can command a crowd and always gets people dancing. (notice i often have her dj, but never ask her to perform her MOM project. no feces in my house please!!) she has always come through for me since spinning my birthday party 4 years ago...i didn't find out until a couple years later that all of her vinyl had been stolen that night--yet she still comes back when i ask, time after time. this past party we stayed up hanging till 6 am...she had to be at taylor's market reporting for duty at 7am. girl!

here we have beaumont my neighbor whom lives across the hall from me. the girl to his left looks uncomfortable but maybe turned on by his furry chest? beau is a ham if i ever met one......nice yukata beau, sticking with the japanese theme.

lauren and i pose here in front of the house, with the black kanji symbol for 'longevity' hanging behind us. i like the angle of the folks on the porch roof. dangerous, however. 4 years ago, the night i literally moved into the house, there was a party and a kid fell from the second story to the sidewalk below. actually, let me tell it straight---he was underage, could not hold his liquor, and he JUMPED from the balcony, trying to reach the tree across the sidewalk, missed, and broke his face on the ground. afterwards, his friend, upset and belligerent, went screaming and breaking all of the car windows up and down 21st street. i was left wondering what hell-hole i had just moved into. moral of this story??---nobody in the photo behind me jumped to the sidewalk.

i like this picture. taken from my bedroom backdoor it appears.

lauren is wearing the yukata miyuki's father offered me as a gift from my time spent in mitsuke.
a yukata is not to be confused with a kimono. yukata are more casual. kimono's have millions of layers (truely about 7 or 8?) and are thousands of dollars. i've noticed many people refer to yukatas as kimonos, but it's like comparing a cotton slip dress from old navy to a valentino ball gown.

at some point the party ballooned to a couple hundred people. although i had duct taped a 'no underage' sign to the front door, a billion teenagers filtered their way in, some jumping the fence in the back. once they found out i was having people carded at the sake bar, some lost interest. others, i told to leave. my roommate erin was being a good watch dog as well. unfortunately many of my good friends left early in the evening and for this portion of the night i just felt like a security guard. it has never been about measuring the success of a party on how many people are crammed into a's all about friends and peaceful gatherings. ohwell, comes with the territory.

chelsea performed. i love her. she wrote me a song too and recorded it...and made me cupcakes. what a great human being this girl is. i would not be the same without her. we also had chenelle and travis perform with their project 'these bloody kids.' i am dismayed there are no photos however. chenelle has a killer voice and travis plays a full drum kit with one hand while playing keyboard with the other. nutso. it's true, queers rock harder.

here's a hazy picture of larry spinning his magic. i was disappointed that nobody was dancing at first, but late by 2 am it was on. and, considering we danced till 5 or 6 am, hey, we put some decent hours in.

this photo is really out of order, but here we are doing the nagashi somen. (traditional japanese noodle water slide where noodles come down the bamboo and you catch the strands and eat them) it took me a week and two people helping to build the structure. it was quite the success and many curious people passing by stopped to ask questions. i wonder what the neighborhood thinks of us, always doing something different. i love it, actually.

this is not a very good picture but you can see the bamboo structure. it reached quite high, all the way to the second story porch.....i plan to have another noodle day soon, before the summer is, to sum this all up, my birthday was a success. nobody caused any major trouble, and we only had to shove one strange person out the door by force around 6 am. he had been creepy all night but we tolerated him, even shared pizza with his...but for some reason at the very end of the night he started saying "faggot this, lesbo that" so larry and michael shoved him out the door. he was swinging and clocked michael in the face but they got him out. he knocked over my bamboo structure as an afterthought to prove his anger....but whatever.
i think the days of huge parties might be behind me took two weeks of careful planning to pull the night off. also, a lot of money. last year i had a masquerade was amazing...aww whatever i'll just always do what i am in the mood for, i figure.
happy birthday to me.
until next year....arrigatou.