Thursday, January 21, 2010
eventually i realized that much of my energy was concentrated on the big toe of my right foot, i could slowly feel water seeping in through my shoe, making that toe cold and clammy inside of the damned wet sock. i took note that my left foot was perfectly dry...and i also recalled that these were the shoes i wore while in berlin, in the rain, in the blustery chill, and my feet both stayed quite dry there. the sense of aging, of something becoming worn and less able to stand up to the elements made me consider if the entire thing was an analogy of life itself. i quickly shook off the notion, laughing scornfully to myself at my sense of finality, of dramatism.
my black umbrella rested upon my shoulder, my arm not wanting to hold it up properly. when i was a child i had always wanted vincent van gough's 'starry night' umbrella. i felt it would make me appear studied and cultured. i wanted to dress like a beatnik and write up a storm. i wanted to be frida. (maybe i just wanted to have sex with frida)...in high school i was permitted by my parents to paint my room; and the colors i chose were similar to the starry night piece. purples, and blues, blacks...i painted grass growing upside down from the up most four corners of the room, and i felt very mature indeed. it wasn't until years later that i came to stare upon 'the starry night' again, and realized that i didn't like it all any longer. and today i still don't like it. something about the piece is super trite...maybe it is merely the fact that it is such a famous piece and can be seen everywhere, not just in museums, but in gift shops on post cards, on bad garden flags hanging from people's driveways in suburbia, on pot holders, on coffee mugs....but what do i know? jack shit i figure; i'm certainly not a keeper of the arts.
so, just now with the rain letting up, i have arrived at the weatherstone cafe. in sitting down to study (i started school yesterday, the first time back in 5 years)...i looked up to see a young man i know, with his new girl friend.
there they went, out the door, he holding it open for her, he kissing her on the forehead, there they went, she looking happily at him, she holding a vincent van gough 'starry night' umbrella.
something about it makes me feel like perhaps the two of them are not meant to be.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
new (used, fast) road bike
swim suit for the virgin islands
book bag, leather/canvas/brown
nice shirts, collared, vintage!
christmas gifts for parents, swati, roomie
bike lock (or figure out old bike lock's mechanisms, i.e. use my brain)
make dentist appt #2
enroll in classes (tomorrow!)
choose a major (ha)
save money for tooth repair
prep for virgin islans
prep for long awaited return to school
practice 'jet boy' drag number with erin
re carpet bedroom floor
paint kitchen mustard yellow
repair red velvet curtains
window insulation for winter
to read/complete reading:
'banker to the poor'
'the spirit catches you and you fall down'
'the god of small things' (to be re-read)
'the people's history of the US'
record club poster for rodger
complete family portrait
drag king number(s), create new performances
drag king AIDS ride benefit for gina
people to see/visit with:
ayumi ashley at her new apt in sf
rachel marrs, listen to her stories behind the purchased thailand photos
rachel gregg, quality time before departure
chelsea wolfe, crafting, hand made christmas gifts
johnny flores, house warming party
natalie gordon, trip to portland??
everybody--for a nabe party or a chinese hot pot party (very winter!)
to be continued....
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
(in a breathy voice, with Asiatic flute playing in background)
an ancient land, dripping with tradition and lore
imagine the fog rising through the lush green mountains, bamboo forests abound
the moisssssst earth.
the silk of emperors and dynasties past.
the far east
myyyyy landdddd (pull rice out of pocket, scatter on the floor)
picture me, an "oriental," eating stir fried puppy with ginger and black bean sauce, breeding like a rabbit.
plastic buddahs hanging from every door way.
pikachu and dragon ball Z characters dancing through my dreams like the ping pong champion i was born to be
or shall i mop your floor first?
AM I just another geisha in the streets of ancient kyoto flocking to tom cruise, america's last samurai, tearing off my kimono in glorious rapture because
EVERY ASIAN GIRL WANTS TO FUCK A WHITE GUY???
aparently the answer is yes, at least according to a shameful amount of male individuals who frequent my current place of employment.----not all guys are like these, btw.
(hand drums played in hyponotic beat)
enter the kasbah lounge, a dark lair of decadence and delight.
sippp on lebanese wine under the canopies, let the turkish coffee seeeeep into your pores.
welcome to this world of
enter you the priviledged male
enter if you dare
yesssss stepp right up! gather around! we have gorgeous girls here, one or more of each flavor for you gentlemen.
TAKE. YOUR. PICK of the litter, the cream of the crop, perhaps this tall dark haired siren from palestine, or heck, maybe you'd like one of 'the koreans', they are so, so shy...
then...there is me, the weird girl with the weird hair.
and what kind of establishment do we run?
it's a god damned eatery
a fucking restaraunt
a hell of a place to nosh
would you like a HOT PEICE OF ASS WITH YOUR FALAFEL?
ohhh the joys of
familiar words, but not to all
it's quite amazing really, that sacramento is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the entire natopn, considering not one night passes by without a man making an asian related inquiry or snarky remark to me at work...
here are some ACTUAL customer comments as follows:
"you speak good english." (thanks man)
"do you know karate?" (no, but i can spit in your food)
"i dated a mongolian girl once." (blank stare)
"shouldn't you be working at the sushi bar next door?" (incredious stare)
"my friend and i are having a bet. are you chinese or korean?" (neither!)
"HEYYYY it's taiwan's finest!" (whatttt??)
"you remind me of my wife from the war." (oh. my. god.)
"you look like margaret cho." (oh helll no)
"what's your name?" (debbie)
"nooo, what is your REAL name?" (holy shit. my name is debbie, dumbass)
"do you model for honda car import shows?" (i just need to walk away)
"what are you doing waitressing? shouldnt you be a dentist or something?" (NO. COMMENT.)
the list goes on
the comment which takes the cake however had me dumbfounded.
"can i ask you a question? do your pussy lips go the other way, because i've heard that chinese girls have horizontal pussies."
as women we should NEVER have to take this.
so, YOU OF FRANCE are not hairy and easily offended.
YOU OF AFRICA are not herding antelope on the national geographic channel.
YOU OF RUSSIA are not anorexic money grubbing ballerinas
YOU OF MEXICO are not just good for staying in abusive relationships
YOU OF INDIA do not taste like curry
YOU OF EASTERN EUROPE are not all just prostitutes
YOU OF THE MIDDLE EAST are not just one of four belly dancing wives
YOU OF AFRICAN AMERICAN DECENT are not just 'angry black chicks'
YOU OF CENTRAL AMERICA are not peices of meat, breeding for the catholic church.
you are WOMEN and you are LOVED more than THEY will ever know.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
this here eve i invited some loved ones to this here porch. the breeze was gusty; t'was chilling to zee bones, but we thrived---thank you oh mr. heater device, thank you very much so. don't knock it! damn.
there was cheeeese, there was fruit, there was wine GALORE---spanish wine from the work of your's truly....Moroccan vino as well..
there was edith piaf, there was nina simone, there was lauryn hill, grass widow, bats for lashes, and josephine baker.
we were all here, present.
a few hours into the night it was decided that we would choose a topic then go about the circle, each speaking for a mere but mighty three sentences when the turn arose.
one topic: "what do you wish to conqueror before you perish?"
tegan: "i wish to climb machu pichu."
chelsea: "i wish to write a book."
jess: "i don't quite know yet......"
me: "i wish to write a memoir about my childhood, but only after my parents die because i dont wan't to bring shame to them........then, it is all about following natalie to chateau crone. let's all live in a home where we can grow old and craggy together, being, existing, creating....."
good night, time to go throw up, literally.
Monday, September 14, 2009
erin and i wandered indoors and marveled at the fact that our home was doing just fine, all lights were still on...somehow we got to talking about books....ahh, i mentioned that i really am interested in reading some kurt vonnegut---i feel like i am missing out on some of the classics, and for some reason erin mention the book '1984' and i brought up 'the giver', then we went on a tangent talking about childrens books that i've always loved...'the bridge to terabithia,' anything by roald dahl, 'a wrinkle in time,' 'where the red fern grows,' 'island of the blue dolphins,' 'from the mixed-up files of mrs. basil e. frankweiler,' 'the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe'---(and 'prince caspian' and 'the voyage of the dawn treader'), 'james and the giant peach,' 'the little prince'.
...then the stuff when we were even younger, such as 'where the wild things are'...'the giving tree.'
childrens literature really brings back feelings for me...evokes really strong memories and scents. i remember the whole holding of the flashlight under the covers at night, reading...waking up at 6am the next morning to read. i feel as if today's 'gossip girl' and the 'twilight' series...it's all fucking trash. i mean, when we were young, sure there was pretty goofy stuff....the 'baby sitters club' and also 'goosebumps...' or 'the boxcar children' (pretty awesome actually)...but where is the 2009 version of 'the giver?' do you guys remember 'the giver?' everyone was living in a sterile futuristic society, and the one man, the giver, he was a keeper of memories about life on earth in the days past...he held sessions with that one boy (or girl?) and made him/her remember things about life before...before things got so sterile and fucked up...things we dare not forget......such as what it felt like to be on a sailboat.
ahhh i hope today's kids have something poignant to read. maybe they read the same stuff we did. maybe 'a wrinkle in time' is to today's young children what the now-vintage 'nancy drew' and 'hardy boys' series was to us--stuff our parents read when they were young and then passed down to us.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
i've been in a sour mood lately. amongst other things, my teeth have been bothering me so much that finally i've broken down and called upon my grandmother to lend me a thousand bucks so that i can take the steps towards getting a root canal. (really, i need more in the ball park of $3,000 to even get started...should i hold a benefit? everyone else does.) for those of you that know me and my pride--my asking my family for help....this is huge.
root canal shmoot canal, there is certainly an exposed root in my mouth, such that i cannot sufficiently close my lips all the way lest my teeth touch together and the pain, the fucking pain! to live in pain...bless you those that have terminal illness or live with ailments. you are infinitely strong....holy stars, these nights i've taken to stuffing a rag of fabric between my molars so that my mouth is pried open as i sleep. it doesn't make me look pretty, this is for sure. the rag fills with blood but it helps because i often grind my teeth in my REM and it makes me awaken in blinding white suffering and even my pillow is not soft enough for my silly noggin to rest.
so, with this said, the other night i was down in the dumps, brooding, i had fitfully awoken from the night before finally, at 5 pm. it was disorientating to have slept both the day away. i thought it a good idea to take a walk to peets coffee at least to get some afternoon air before it became dark again. when i arrived at the cafe i noticed that i had dropped my beautiful black vintage shirt somewhere between the house and said destination. it was i believe the last thing lauren ever gave me before we decided to part ways. she had brought it back from one of her many tours on the road. this made my heart sink as i retraced my steps. i could not find the shirt...but there! i saw an old woman in a motorized wheelchair headed away from my location back along where i had come from. holy stars! convinced she had my shirt, i tried to catch up to her but she was purring along damn fast. i quickened my pace and pretty much power walking i finally was beside her. i did not see my shirt and did not want to confront her. what if i was wrong? im a huge dork to be power walking beside a woman in a wheelchair! AWKWARD!! i gave the entire situation up as lost, and saw it as a sad sign from above.
so, with my tail between my legs, i realized it was 6pm and fuck getting coffee, i'd had not a morsel to eat that day thus far. i headed to my workplace, because at least there, people knew my name and i could read the newspaper while feeling sorry for myself, my lost shirt, my painful teeth...pooooor me. (what is that 'cheers' theme song? where everybody knows your name?)
so there i sat, outside, eating some vegetarian pasta to which i added ham. (ha!)
lost in my head reading the new york times i noticed at some point, out of my peripheral, an older man was staring at me. STARING. he was the same man that earlier was complaining how his friend took him to the depot and he was not gay, why did his friend take him there, he was not gay, he is from chicago, people are not as "gay" in Chicago...why are they so gay here...etc.........this man, now staring at me, was not sitting at a table eating dinner, perhaps glancing my way a bit like leery people sometimes do.... no, he was standing, not a drink in hand, 7 feet away, staring at me. weird. after about 15 more seconds which seemed like eternity, i looked at him and said, "what???"
he said, "your feet are on the chair. that is rude. people will sit on that chair after you."
hmm. yes. my feet are on the chair...i can see this being rude, being in a public place...ok...
i said, "ok....thank you for your opinion."
he said, "it is not an opinion. it is a fact."
ok. i'll take it. ok.
he went inside.
half an hour later he came back out. he moved back into position, staring at me.
he said "sorry if i offended you."
me: "you did not offend me, you just made me feel uncomfortable and weird."
he then stared at me again.
then he said, "are you a student?"
what is it about creepy guys that if they have nothing else to say, they ask if you are in school? what does this entail, what does this even mean? women can be creepy too, but in a different way.
this guy wasn't just ignorant. he was a weird creep.
so, i said: "why are you asking me if i am a student? you dont care."
he stared at me.
i repeated, "why are you asking me? you don't care who i am, you don't care what i do."
and it is true. he did not care who i was or what i did, he just wanted to invade my space and i let him know that i knew. so, he did not know what to say. for the first fucking time in his life, perhaps he did not know what to say to the little asian girl eating her god damned pasta, all by herself, looking all so like prey.
then, his verrry drunk friend came out, and to him the guy who liked to stare said to him: "let's go, there are DIRTY people here."
what is it about people sometimes? there is the age-old joke about how feminist women do not have a sense of humor....that all we do is march around trying to cut off cocks....but look---guys especially if you are reading this--it isn't fucking true for me. i can take a joke, i can laugh...
a friend of mine asked me once why i like to have ladies movie nights and ladies dinners once in awhile. he said it hurt his feelings because he was excluded.
i told him, that once in a while, i would like to have a female-centric gathering where i knew, no one would tread across that line, no one would make me feel like i was a second class citizen-----i am not saying that most of the guys we know are trying to belittle women right and left, no not at all-----but sometimes there are comments made, or little remarks, little nuances......and look here, it takes a rare man, a gem of a man, to be a feminist in his own right, to fully understand where a female feminist if coming from. then, we start to delve into gender itself being a grey topic, with trans men, trans women, etc etc.....but for simplicity, there are a few good men here in sac for certain. but unfortunately even some nice guys i know feel like they want to overcompensate such that they do the whole chivalrous 'ninja/i will protect you/thing...and frankly, thanks but i dont need protecting because im a woman and you are a man. dont talk to me in ninja speak....the ninja/samurai/protection/servitude thing---it's extra insulting because now i know you are doing this because im a woman AND japanese. great. but look, im not an idiot, if i was getting beat up by a group of people i wouldn't get mad at my guy friend if he tried to protect me.
i understand that:
it is not always about gender, sometimes it is about humanity. (obviously.)
and yes, there are men here in this town who do understand...but as for ladies movie night, sometimes frankly, i just like to be with ladies. it's nice.
so my friend, he did not understand this, which i understood that he could not understand.
this was more than ok with me and figured he would just nod his head and agree to disagree.
but then, he said something that i will never forget.
he said: "but i just dont get it. i do not feel like it is a white man's world any longer."
do you really believe this? that perhaps maybe if we would just IGNORE the (*insert drum roll accompanied by a huge yawn here*) issues of gender/class/race/sexuality/ignorance/prejudice...maybe they do not exist?
no. there is much to be done. we are not equal. for example allow me to randomly state:
there are more females now, being kidnapped and sold into the sex trade than any other time in history. forget the rape of nan king. forget the holocaust. forget the plantations and slavery. girls, NOW. the middle east, africa---fucking Los Angeles is a BREEDING ground for sex trafficking.
and a nod to the 'gay' stuff (because i'm 'gay':)
matthew sheppard. brandon teena. harvey fucking milk. i overheard my coworker tonight saying something about how he thought his brother was 'GAY'...
i understand that hardship is part of life and that we all deal with it, all genders, race. people are bigoted everywhere, no matter where. men, women, the like.
but it should be noted that my friend is a white, heterosexual male. white hetero males have shit piled up against them too. they can argue that they didn't ask to be born white. (poor poor) im not stupid. life is life. shit is shit. but for him it is different shit.
i, am a lesbian, ethnic, female. different shit.
out of the ball park.
to be fair, even many of the females that i know...it blows my mind what negative gender roles they reinforce, on purpose. i guess you can carry my heavy groceries but it's not because you are a man. it's because im feeling lazy.
i understand it is not always about male chivalry. sometimes it is about being a nice person. I'm not going to snap at you if you hold the door.
i don't even know what my point is any longer....it all started out about the tooth thing.
what can i do that will fill in the void and why am i 26 years old sitting on a creaky ass porch?
shame on me for being here, not there.
i know it it supposed to be all about love. love can change the world, right? fairies and prayer circles and throwing rice off the back of a truck?
but sometimes, what about anger?
i will log off now.