Thursday, September 3, 2009

lost gifts

*this is a rant. to be shaken not stirred, and taken with a grain of salt.*

i've been in a sour mood lately. amongst other things, my teeth have been bothering me so much that finally i've broken down and called upon my grandmother to lend me a thousand bucks so that i can take the steps towards getting a root canal. (really, i need more in the ball park of $3,000 to even get started...should i hold a benefit? everyone else does.) for those of you that know me and my pride--my asking my family for help....this is huge.

root canal shmoot canal, there is certainly an exposed root in my mouth, such that i cannot sufficiently close my lips all the way lest my teeth touch together and the pain, the fucking pain! to live in pain...bless you those that have terminal illness or live with ailments. you are infinitely strong....holy stars, these nights i've taken to stuffing a rag of fabric between my molars so that my mouth is pried open as i sleep. it doesn't make me look pretty, this is for sure. the rag fills with blood but it helps because i often grind my teeth in my REM and it makes me awaken in blinding white suffering and even my pillow is not soft enough for my silly noggin to rest.

so, with this said, the other night i was down in the dumps, brooding, i had fitfully awoken from the night before finally, at 5 pm. it was disorientating to have slept both the day away. i thought it a good idea to take a walk to peets coffee at least to get some afternoon air before it became dark again. when i arrived at the cafe i noticed that i had dropped my beautiful black vintage shirt somewhere between the house and said destination. it was i believe the last thing lauren ever gave me before we decided to part ways. she had brought it back from one of her many tours on the road. this made my heart sink as i retraced my steps. i could not find the shirt...but there! i saw an old woman in a motorized wheelchair headed away from my location back along where i had come from. holy stars! convinced she had my shirt, i tried to catch up to her but she was purring along damn fast. i quickened my pace and pretty much power walking i finally was beside her. i did not see my shirt and did not want to confront her. what if i was wrong? im a huge dork to be power walking beside a woman in a wheelchair! AWKWARD!! i gave the entire situation up as lost, and saw it as a sad sign from above.

so, with my tail between my legs, i realized it was 6pm and fuck getting coffee, i'd had not a morsel to eat that day thus far. i headed to my workplace, because at least there, people knew my name and i could read the newspaper while feeling sorry for myself, my lost shirt, my painful teeth...pooooor me. (what is that 'cheers' theme song? where everybody knows your name?)

so there i sat, outside, eating some vegetarian pasta to which i added ham. (ha!)

lost in my head reading the new york times i noticed at some point, out of my peripheral, an older man was staring at me. STARING. he was the same man that earlier was complaining how his friend took him to the depot and he was not gay, why did his friend take him there, he was not gay, he is from chicago, people are not as "gay" in Chicago...why are they so gay here...etc.........this man, now staring at me, was not sitting at a table eating dinner, perhaps glancing my way a bit like leery people sometimes do.... no, he was standing, not a drink in hand, 7 feet away, staring at me. weird. after about 15 more seconds which seemed like eternity, i looked at him and said, "what???"

he said, "your feet are on the chair. that is rude. people will sit on that chair after you."

hmm. yes. my feet are on the chair...i can see this being rude, being in a public place...ok...

i said, "ok....thank you for your opinion."

he said, "it is not an opinion. it is a fact."

ok. i'll take it. ok.

he went inside.

half an hour later he came back out. he moved back into position, staring at me.

me: "what????"

he said "sorry if i offended you."

me: "you did not offend me, you just made me feel uncomfortable and weird."

he then stared at me again.

then he said, "are you a student?"

ok. pause.

what is it about creepy guys that if they have nothing else to say, they ask if you are in school? what does this entail, what does this even mean? women can be creepy too, but in a different way.

this guy wasn't just ignorant. he was a weird creep.

so, i said: "why are you asking me if i am a student? you dont care."

he stared at me.

i repeated, "why are you asking me? you don't care who i am, you don't care what i do."

and it is true. he did not care who i was or what i did, he just wanted to invade my space and i let him know that i knew. so, he did not know what to say. for the first fucking time in his life, perhaps he did not know what to say to the little asian girl eating her god damned pasta, all by herself, looking all so like prey.


then, his verrry drunk friend came out, and to him the guy who liked to stare said to him: "let's go, there are DIRTY people here."

good. goodbye.

what is it about people sometimes? there is the age-old joke about how feminist women do not have a sense of humor....that all we do is march around trying to cut off cocks....but look---guys especially if you are reading this--it isn't fucking true for me. i can take a joke, i can laugh...

a friend of mine asked me once why i like to have ladies movie nights and ladies dinners once in awhile. he said it hurt his feelings because he was excluded.

i told him, that once in a while, i would like to have a female-centric gathering where i knew, no one would tread across that line, no one would make me feel like i was a second class citizen-----i am not saying that most of the guys we know are trying to belittle women right and left, no not at all-----but sometimes there are comments made, or little remarks, little nuances......and look here, it takes a rare man, a gem of a man, to be a feminist in his own right, to fully understand where a female feminist if coming from. then, we start to delve into gender itself being a grey topic, with trans men, trans women, etc etc.....but for simplicity, there are a few good men here in sac for certain. but unfortunately even some nice guys i know feel like they want to overcompensate such that they do the whole chivalrous 'ninja/i will protect you/thing...and frankly, thanks but i dont need protecting because im a woman and you are a man. dont talk to me in ninja speak....the ninja/samurai/protection/servitude thing---it's extra insulting because now i know you are doing this because im a woman AND japanese. great. but look, im not an idiot, if i was getting beat up by a group of people i wouldn't get mad at my guy friend if he tried to protect me.

i understand that:

it is not always about gender, sometimes it is about humanity. (obviously.)

and yes, there are men here in this town who do understand...but as for ladies movie night, sometimes frankly, i just like to be with ladies. it's nice.

so my friend, he did not understand this, which i understood that he could not understand.

this was more than ok with me and figured he would just nod his head and agree to disagree.

but then, he said something that i will never forget.

he said: "but i just dont get it. i do not feel like it is a white man's world any longer."


do you really believe this? that perhaps maybe if we would just IGNORE the (*insert drum roll accompanied by a huge yawn here*) issues of gender/class/race/sexuality/ignorance/prejudice...maybe they do not exist?

no. there is much to be done. we are not equal. for example allow me to randomly state:

there are more females now, being kidnapped and sold into the sex trade than any other time in history. forget the rape of nan king. forget the holocaust. forget the plantations and slavery. girls, NOW. the middle east, africa---fucking Los Angeles is a BREEDING ground for sex trafficking.

and a nod to the 'gay' stuff (because i'm 'gay':)

matthew sheppard. brandon teena. harvey fucking milk. i overheard my coworker tonight saying something about how he thought his brother was 'GAY'...

i understand that hardship is part of life and that we all deal with it, all genders, race. people are bigoted everywhere, no matter where. men, women, the like.

but it should be noted that my friend is a white, heterosexual male. white hetero males have shit piled up against them too. they can argue that they didn't ask to be born white. (poor poor) im not stupid. life is life. shit is shit. but for him it is different shit.

i, am a lesbian, ethnic, female. different shit.

out of the ball park.

to be fair, even many of the females that i blows my mind what negative gender roles they reinforce, on purpose. i guess you can carry my heavy groceries but it's not because you are a man. it's because im feeling lazy.

i understand it is not always about male chivalry. sometimes it is about being a nice person. I'm not going to snap at you if you hold the door.

i don't even know what my point is any all started out about the tooth thing.

what can i do that will fill in the void and why am i 26 years old sitting on a creaky ass porch?

shame on me for being here, not there.

i know it it supposed to be all about love. love can change the world, right? fairies and prayer circles and throwing rice off the back of a truck?

but sometimes, what about anger?

i will log off now.

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