i've been having trouble sleeping lately. my schedule is even worse than before---with the late hours at my job these past four years i've become accustomed to turning out the light at 2 or 3 am and awakening around 11 or noon...but these past few weeks the pattern has become more around the realms of 5 am to fall asleep, and 1 or 2 pm to awaken. (i need a good 8 hours minimum to function.)
it is my brain that is the problem, it never lets me rest; it buzzes and hums and never shuts off. i've been trying to curb this shit the past few years...and because of it sometimes i seem more quiet or seemingly brooding than anything else--only at times. ha! but good lord, there are the instances i blurt out random phrases when im in 'the zone', i try but i have a hard time shutting my damn face...sometimes i am on a roll and saying something stupid ('stupid,' as in 'huh?' not to be confused with 'mean.') and the entire time i am saying it..i am thinking "shut up, will you just shut up you are being stupid.'
*in writing this blog entry at this moment, i am treating myself, allowing my fingers to type type type and let out all the random gibberish that is flowing through my mind currently while i sit here on the porch at 2:46 am; i guess this proves my point.*
my body is connected to my brain; there is constant high energy, i get out right twitchy even, sometimes. the lights and beeps and electro bleeps bounce around to and fro, knocking into each other, splashing green and pink paint every-fucking-where...you can see it in my face or speech or hands sometimes. some of you have seen this.
i have considered this a gift here and there, but lately it has been a plague. my brain toys with me and fucks with me and i stress myself into a frenzy, thinking 'if i keep thinking, i will develop an anxiety attack, and if i keep thinking about how im thinking, it will REALLY get bad...oh fuck' and there i am, in no man's land, in that distant land where many of us have been, but THIS place only I can get to, and i can't get out until something deeper inside of me allows the rest of me to let go.
there is never very good warning.
ahh. so, i have been having trouble sleeping lately. there has been an extra darkness, to be expected, i've been thinking even more than usual, thinking about people that i know, how they affect me, my future, my teeth are fucked...i've been stressed about it...my mouth hurts all the time but more at night. sometimes when i awaken in the morning there is blood on my pillow. LOOK i know i need to get insurance and all that taken care of, stop shaking your index fingers at me. i am deathly afraid of the dentist; i've never had much of a sweet tooth, but as a child i had cavities all the time-the dentist said once that i have unnaturally soft enamel...but each cavity that happened i would be severely punished by my parents...my brother had a sparkling white grill the entire time, so surely i must be a ragamuffin child too lazy to brush the sweaters off her molars.....shit was there any way my brother could ever go wrong and i go right??...ahh that is for another day.
let it go.
night is weird. sometimes i feel that the more delirious i become the more i feel alive. i am sure many of us feel this way. i sit out here and listen to the trains go by, the wind in the leaves, the drunk folks stumbling...then as the time ticks by, the sounds become less and less and eventually it is just me and my holy mackerel of-a-brain pounding away, pounding away. i am left to myself. currently i am not alone though. i hear music coming from somewhere, big rigs blowing horns from the freeway, i head one lone cricket, a car just went by, i see a raccoon.
my dreams were vivid last night. i was not permitted to rest, even in my REM state. i awoke feeling dog tired....but the dreams were very intriguing, super crystal clear.
i wonder what the significance is. i always become confused, because in japanese culture, whatever happens in dreams, in real life the opposite is indicated. but in american culture, we kind of tend to think what we dream is a subconscious of what we actually feel.
last night in my minds eye i was standing in a natural foods store with sarah, (my friend who is in 'take back midtown' with me and used to live across the street from me at the brothel/carnival house). i wonder what it means that she was in my dream. we are not super close par say (i would like to be) and i have not seen her nor spoken to her in days.
we were standing in line at the checkout. it was very busy. the line was very long. i was holding a woven basket and in the basket were two bananas. they looked like plantain but i knew they were bananas. as the minutes ticked by, the fruit started to rot. so, it made sense for me to eat both, and i grabbed two more. once again, the bananas started to rot, and this time the meat even burst out from the peels.
nearing the checkout, sarah grabbed a small plastic tub of trail mix/mixed nuts and asked me to purchase it for her. i agreed, and upon ringing out, the cashier stopped in his tracks and readily told me that the nuts represented unrequited love.
look, the phrase 'unrequited love' stuck with me even this morning when i awoke, and although i know what it means, i looked up the definition just to see it in print: "to be deeply in love with someone that either does not know you love them, or that knows, but does not love you in return." ok.
after leaving the natural foods store, sarah was gone and i was teleported to someplace where i was emailing jenny hoyston from the band erase errata. i had a drag show approaching and for some reason it was homo a gogo weekend. it was like my real-life past came forward from behind and bit me in the butt of my dream-life future. i was requesting jenny to play a set during my drag show. i for some reason offered her specifically $234 dollars to play. she generously responded with an email saying that she never plays for less than $400 but for me she would play for free. (i dont know jenny hoyston in real life, fyi. she is a famous, feminist, awesome musician for those that dont know)
so, i was teleported forward a few days, and i was with lauren, jenny, and her three band mates. (two female, one male...the ladies were adorable, in their 30's, wearing awesome vintage dresses. i remember the brunette had wavy hair and a navy colored polka dot dress...the other lady was a red head and she was all glammed up like a lady from the 1940's. very world war II-meets cocktail party..the man was very 50's styled with a pomp and cuffed jeans around his proper waist. he was not cheesy; he was very polished)
we were walking on cobblestone streets. the shy was grey. it was fall. i think we were in europe but it was actually san fransisco, if this makes any sense.
as jenny and her band mates walked on ahead, lauren asked me in excited hushed tones "what is SHE doing here with us????!!!" i explained that jenny was going to play a set with me and lauren was uuber impressed.
fast forward to the venue. it was actually a gigantic warehouse with day light filtering in through high windows all around the upper walls. the warehouse contained books upon books; it was a library. all of the shelving was crooked. it was gorgeous and bizarre. i told jenny that i wished i could turn the entire place into a living space. in real life now, i realize that would have been an atrocity; that library was gorgeous and VAST and probably does not exhist in this real world.
it was decided that we would perform on top of a large wooden table.
jenny was about to go on but i could not find lauren.
they went on anyhow, and it was truly a sight to behold. they were doing a conga and weird hand jive moves, all to the vocal style of the andrews sisters, very 40's/50's, very 'boogie woogie bugle boy'....which should be mentioned, is NOT erase errata's musical style in real life.
next it was my turn to perform my drag number 'jet boy jet girl.' i realized in a sudden panic that erin wasn't there to perform her parts with me.
thus, i decided to wing it and perform only my parts. this ended up looking completely stupid because in real life that song is truly meant for me and erin to share. we interact half the time, there is no way i could perform it without her and her without me. i ended up looking like a bad mime.
...suddenly after it was all over lauren came pounding on the door. it was a medievel castle door. i asked her where she had run off to and she said she was hungry. thanks.
*and then i woke up*
it was almost 1 in the afternoon when i awoke today, and it was not my alarm that shook me, it was my screen door blowing open then closed. i have been super sore all day, my entire body is stiff and i dont know why. was i dancing in my sleep? am i that stressed out?
i wonder the significance of my dreams....some of it seems obvious but nothing ever is.
nothing EVER is.
alright, in conclusion, i am hoping to get to bed before 5 today.
i am going to close this laptop now and ramble to myself in my head. i've had a fear that by age 40 i will go insane because my poor brain will NEVER log off. i really need some space from me sometimes but it looks like that is never going to happen....i would write more frankly but this is a public blog and somethings just start to get embarassing for the reader and the writer. but lets get coffee!
i'd rather run with the wolves anyhow...for the most part. or have friends in the real life flesh.
good night cyber world, good night.